Oreos and Gushers and Cheesecake, Oh My!

I’m told the average person eats one item of food prior to lunch. Some would call this “breakfast.” Others skip said meal altogether. I, on the other hand, have managed to consume oatmeal, wheat thins, chocolate almonds and a nice slice of cheesecake all before the ripe hour of 11 a.m. Some would call this a “problem.” I prefer to think of it as a lifestyle choice that has made me quite happy from 1986 to the present.

I laugh now only because I am afforded the luxury of purchasing pants complete with a button and zipper. There was a dark period of my life, circa 1996, when I couldn’t fit into anything that didn’t involve some sort of elastic waistband. Was I obese? Technically, yes I was. “Obese” is such a negative term though and one that doesn’t seem quite fair to throw on an innocent eleven year old who enjoys indulging in a pack of gushers (or four) every afternoon while watching The Rosie O’Donnell show.

But if weighing 100 pounds at the age of 10 makes me “obese”, then fine, call me what you will. Anyone who feels satisfied after five tiny chewy candies is no friend of mine. Candies with FRUIT in the center, might I add! Nevertheless, these mid-afternoon binges were of no help to my waistline as I became increasingly similar in appearance to a chipmunk. Minus an excess of hair and a tail.

The only real ace I drew during those middle school years was a true and intense love for the Charlotte Hornets. Looking back, I think it was more of a true and intense love for their team colors, but that’s neither here nor there. Sporting team swish pants everyday for the greater part of sixth grade, buttons and zippers were no longer much of a concern. As an added bonus, the swishing sound of the incredibly flammable pants made my presence known in the halls. Free to move about in the elasticity as I pleased, I welcomed my favorite treats with open arms. Oreos, get over here! Nutter Butters, do your thang! Carrots dripping in ranch dressing, holler atcha girl!

Middle school came and went, and so did my ability to shop in the juniors section. What I find most disturbing about this period of my life is that I played four sports a year. Had I not had that constant physical activity, I’m confident I would be sitting here right now in a special cubicle designed for the morbidly obese. Think steel chairs, expandable walls and a special dip in my desk where I could place the excess skin hanging off of my elbows.

*** I want to interject here and profusely apologize to anyone who has excess skin hanging off of their elbows or any other sort of condition resulting from morbid obesity***

To make a long story only a little bit long, I was fortunate enough to grow out of my chubby phase and am now the proud owner of zippers and buttons and tank tops, oh my! But that’s not to say I have completely changed my ways. Everyone is bound to have a relapse or two and I've decided to briefly highlight some of those below.

Spring, 2002: Eating macaroni at a feverish pace, I forgot the importance of chewing. Minutes later, I sneezed. Two whole macaroni noodles, cheese still on them, appeared on my lap. I coughed up two more noodles in the following half hour. Bright side: snack for later!

Spring 2002 ( two months later): Repeat of situation above. Bright side: none.

Fall 2004: I drop a cracker on the bathroom floor minutes before biology is about to begin. I pick up said cracker and eat it. Bright side: it was the half without the peanut butter.

Summer 2005: I gain 11 pounds during a 5 day cruise. Bright side: I experienced beef wellington.

Winter 2007: While studying abroad in England, I participate in a cookie eating contest. Final result – 27 and a half cookies in 30 minutes, dry heaving and a crushing defeat. Bright side: contrary to what I thought, I was not turned off from future cookie consumption.

Spring 2007: After four months abroad in England, my jeans begin to tear at the thighs and I come to the realization that my own fat has pushed through denim. Bright side: hello, built in air vents!

The bottom-line is this. I am always going to eat macaroni faster than I should, I am always going to eat more than one pack of gushers and I am always going to adhere to the five second rule, bathroom stall or not. And if one day I pick up a case of oral herpes from a cracker or sneeze out a full Kraft dinosaur noodle while on a date, so be it.

At least it’s a good story.